How I overcame my fear of ringing phones

How quick the month goes by. I am so aware that my end of month write up is looming, but I'm cautious in maintaining a work-uni-life balance that doesn't tip me into a pit of anxiety.

I am quite lucky that the 'life' part of the balance formula doesn't involve a lot of social activities. I have had to cut back on that quite a lot. I used to be extremely social. Not in the context of lots of parties or big group things, I spent more time one on one with people. And I enjoyed it very much, but one on one with many people gets very time consuming and leaves you with little down time.

I look back on that time with a lot of fondness, I had a lot of fun, a lot of good quality conversations and learnt from wonderful people. But I couldn't keep it up, not after the depressive episode that came on last year. I had to start saying 'no' more and more. I know many of those people wanted to help, but the energy of getting to them to let them help was even too much. Eventually the requests become less and less frequent, till many of them stopped contacting me. I feel horrible that I wasn't able to maintain the friendships, I'm sure each of them like to believe that they are the one who I would hold on to even when I let everyone else go. And believe me when I say this, I wish they were. There is guilt that I will never be able to repay them their kindness, that they will never know that I know just how kind they were and that I took that kindness willingly, only to abandon them later. I am learning to accept this horribleness in me, but it still makes me cry. Maybe this is what remorse is.

Fortunately for me, I had a few people who clung to me and didn't let me slip away from them. That is not to say they are better friends, but they are clearly the kind of people that I need at this point. To be what a person needs by just being you is a rather extraordinary and rare occurrence. If you believe in divine intervention, to have someone like that cross your path at just the right junction is surely hard hitting proof.

But I'm not sure I believe in divine intervention, so instead, all I can call it is fortunate. Fortunate for me at least.

It has been slow. Nearly a year and a half and I have finally found a balance that is manageable for me. Not easy, but manageable. It involves less days work, boundaries for how much 'extra' I give to my work, less people, more quiet time and an exerted effort to notice that quiet time for what it is. It has also meant that I have become selfish and not the 'nice' person I always identified myself as. I love and loathe this concept in equal portions. I want to be perceived as nice, that is the right thing. But I have seen benefits to my selfishness- a prominent one is that I am more likely to answer phone calls.

I know that is odd, but just 2 months ago I would have anxiety the minute the phone rang and ignore it. I would then send a sheepish text later apologising, saying i'll call later etc etc. The truth was that I literally couldn't talk. The concept of suddenly having a conversation thrown on me was unbearable. And when I look back, this has been the case for the majority of my life.

And now... now I am happy to take a phone call and even chat. I can do this because my selfishness means I have no concerns for ending the call when I have had enough. My selfishness means my head is not full of conversations with countless people, so I have the energy to answer the phone. I am learning how to say no, and be honest about what I want and suddenly, I feel like I have more space in my mind to fit people. I don't seem to fear having to go into a conversation unprepared. It is very liberating to not be scared of the phone.

I enjoy this control of my mind, space and time much more than I ever enjoyed being nice.

I hope this lasts for a while.