Lets get technical

As the month draws to a close, I feel that I need to do more than just give you my opinions of what I have discovered within myself when I write my final article. I feel this way because I have been conditioned to believe that scientific enquiry is the only way to win true validity. It also happens that I agree with this because it allows room for at least some objectivity. When I only think of it from my perspective, it is easy to make excuses and create crevices for shortcomings to hide in. So today I am reading up about the psychological reasons for validation. I will still skew it to suit my needs, but such is life.

I wish I could be bothered doing some hardcore research on portals for original articles, but I'm just going to reach for google and let the internet do the leg work for me. A few hours into reading, scrolling, contemplating and computer shopping, I've noticed that Maslow's hierarchy of needs has popped up repeatedly. For a nice write up you can have a looksie here.

While I struggled to find any research on the psychological or neurological value of validation (If you have something, share a link in comments below), there were a lot of write ups on why we feel nice when we are validated. Reading these, validation seems to run across many of the levels in Maslow's theory:

• A few sites noted that validation was needed as a sense of safety, which is the second stage. This stage also covers stability and freedom from fear. I know when people around me validate my feelings, opinions and existence, I quite naturally feel safe and secure with any fear alleviated. 
• The third stage is love and belongingness. I think this one speaks for itself after what I wrote above. 
• The fourth stage is esteem. I know that I feel pretty good about myself and confident when I receive validation.

Then we arrive at self-actualisation. While validation is something I have needed through each stage, the goal of self-actualisation is why I am asking why I need it to start with.

According to simplypsychology.org, Maslow believed "human motivation is based on people seeking fulfillment and change through personal growth. Self-actualized people are those who were fulfilled and doing all they were capable of." I am trying to understand why I need validation because I wish to know all that I am capable of. I want to explore the depths of my self so I can continue to grow.

The truth is I need validation as a way of having lesser needs met so I can continue to explore my own self-actualisation. Keep it coming!

Tell me I'm beautiful

My pursuit into why we seek validation has found it's way into the realm of the ego. Lets be honest, every man and his dog knows something about ego and the word is used in many ways (mostly negative).

I study psychology, so I naturally have a view on ego and how it fits into constructing the individual. I also spent many years immersed in a religious organisation built on Buddhism, so I naturally have other views about the ego and how it restrains us from knowing our true self. When I consider these two views about the same topic, I can't help but be confused since they seem to sit completely opposite each other. However, as Freud said "contrary impulses can exist side by side, without cancelling each other out". So I have to explore each view within me separately. That will have to be for another day.

More to the point though, can you see how my view on ego was presented based on my involvement on two outside groupings? They were not my idea, but the ideas that someone involved in certain circles would be expected to think. This is the point of this post.

I went down the academic path first <cough> refreshed my mind on wikipedia <cough cough> and was struck first by the idea of the id. The instinctive drive in people. We often give the ego a bad wrap for all it's desires, but its function is to protect the id and give it what it desires. The ego is really just a pawn in the id's master plan for dominance and survival. So I thought, in this case, I can pinpoint what it is I am instinctively desiring by following my ego's games and tricks. We all have those subtle behaviours that we tweak to get us what we really want, even when we don't realise what that thing is.

I hope this isn't getting confusing, so I'll bring it back to the point of validation. If I can follow the patterns of situations under which my ego seeks validation, I will be able to see the desire my id is instinctively craving and sending the ego out to obtain.

And what I found was that I crave significance. I desire to be something that is more than just everyone else. A reason as to why it is important that I survive. I look around, look at the world, look at the universe and I see the starkness of my insignificance. Depending on my mood, this thought can be amazingly beautiful. But for my id, this concept is horrifying- if I am insignificant, than what is the point of my survival? This needs to be fixed.

Quick haste, my id whips the ego into action 'Go! Find me my purpose! Find me the proof that I am worth my own survival!'.

And ego, fulfilling its mission, brings back wonderful examples. You made this person happy, you are so talented at your work, you look so young for your age, you are more attractive than other people, your drawing has so much potential.... if you did not survive, then the world would be missing out...

All these may be true. But they are fickle. There will always be someone else who can make more people happier. There will be people who are better at my job. There are younger people. There are more attractive people. There are people who are better at drawing. And this means that perhaps the world would not be missing out.

But in rushes ego!! No, no, no. There is proof! People tell me I make them happy, I'm talented, I'm beautiful, validate what I want to be true!!

That is why I seek validation. To cover up an innate fear within me that I am actually nothing. A fear that sits in my chest and squirms as I write those lines. We all know that feeling. If you think you don't, let Louis C.K explain it in a funny way so you will get it (if you haven't seen this, I'm surprised). Next, to consider a much more healthy alternative to my reliance on a transient world for my significance.

Shit...I forgot my line

As the month goes on and I have time to realise the mess I have gotten myself into, my need for validation seems more and more appropriate.

I have gone ahead and published my site and blog, even though I do not like the layout, the branding is extremely inconsistent and everything is still glitching (freaking social media, why can't we all just get along!). I'm not even 100% convinced on what it is I am trying to accomplish. Doing lots of no no's for any public endeavour.

But the fact I have published it all means I am clearly not the perfectionist my anxiety about this situation wants me to come across as. I would like to present to you all some amazing finished project that just rocked your socks off. Why? So I could maintain an outward image of someone who is collected, capable and just a straight up unicorn supergirl (logo idea?? thoughts?).

I am far from any of these things. I have had the experience a few times when my actual self has pushed aside my acted persona and caused problems in friendships. People place you in a certain role in their life and when you do not live up to it, they believe you are a fraud. Little do they know that you were playing them all along and you did such a damn fine job of it that they seriously think you are as perfect as you acted.

Wait- before you praise me for my genius, you should note that I am not the first great mind to contemplate this. Dramaturgy (click here for wikipedia to tell you what I can't be bothered to) implies that we are all actors. The only thing that is real about us is the fact we are all responding to our interaction with the world. I see this in me consistently, and the more time I spend in solitude and reflection, the more I see the real me behind it all.

And this awareness is causing the fourth wall to crack. So I am looking desperately to my fellow actors to remind me of my line and who I am meant to be in order for my world to be held together. That is part of the reason I seek validation. I spent many years creating a version of what I thought I should be. Now I realise that it was a lie, a realisation that is sometimes not far removed from grieving and I am looking for anything to distract me from the changes in my life.

Even when it came time to share this page, I couldn't bring myself to reach out to any more than 10 people. They were the only ones I felt comfortable enough to either not rock my foundations too much, or to be aware that I needed something sugar coated. Everyone else I thought of sharing it with were people I still need to validate my old life because there are elements I'm not quite ready to let go of.

January topic...Validation

Hello world, and welcome to Whipit. Yet another blog I have decided to start up. And just like all my blogs before it, it may result in nothing.

As I am working mostly on setting up the site this month, my topic of validation is chosen to figure out why I am so determined to have a blog in the first place. So lets be straight up honest here, I want people to read my opinions. I, for some reason, feel that my opinions and ideas are something worth putting on the internet for all to see.

At times where I have tried to do this in the past I have experienced normal internet interaction- people who just want to tell you that you are wrong. Even though there were more nice comments and responses, my mind puts them to the side while blowing up any little negative comment 20 fold. But why did this negativity get to me so much? Because the act of putting my thoughts on the internet was one of seeking approval and validation for my newly formed opinions. Since we as a western society are generally of the thought that 'we are what we think' and 'I think therefore I am', my thoughts and opinions were naturally inseparable from me. This means I was looking to have myself be recognised and (lets face it) praised. My misconceptions meant that any negativity was a personal attack. All blogs and evidence of their existence were quickly removed as they were proof that I was a horrible person.

Yet, I persist to want to be validated by the faceless masses, and here I am again. Putting on my act (we are all actors after all) to try to get a feel for which parts of me will be most appealing so I can become the most likeable person I can be. This is not just an act for the internet, it is across all my life.

On Friday I decided to go to the beach, contacted a friend to see if she wanted to meet up, and off I went. This particular friend lives life filled with experiences and puts a lot of dedication into everything she tries her hand at. She is persistent and steady in her endeavours so, as a result, lives a very active life. I, on the other hand, try lots of things but drop them just as quickly. I hope you can tell from this that I admire her greatly and desire to have traits more like hers.

She suggested we go snorkelling, which involved a bit of a swim. The problem with this was that my fitness is not at a great point, the water was choppy and I did not feel comfortable or safe with the idea. But I persisted in the 'yeah, lets go' 'awesome' talk, all the while dreading it. I even got in the water with my snorkel and flippers having mild anxiety attacks.

But why? It was because I wanted to be perceived a certain way, to keep up with her, to be validated as part of her world. I knew my body and mental state were in no way ready to do what she could do especially since she has spent a long time working towards confidence and ability to do that swim. And I was so arrogant as to act the part despite having spent the best part of the last 3 months either asleep, eating chocolate or justifying why I don't need to go to the gym. All so I could act out something I would like to be and have it acknowledged, that way I could say that this is who I am, even though I am not.

With all this flying through my mind, I decided that I should admit defeat. She and another friend did the swim, I played in the water and sat on the beach, content in knowing that this was what I actually wanted to do. This was what I planned on doing when I decided to go to the beach. I didn't want to go out there and push myself beyond my ability, I wanted to enjoy the beach. But for the sake of validation of a false self, I was willing to do something I didn't want to.

I want to be able to do that swim, but I also want to work my way up to that point of ability and earn the right to that experience.

Oh, the things I do to pretend to be someone I am not!