How quick the month goes by. I am so aware that my end of month write up is looming, but I'm cautious in maintaining a work-uni-life balance that doesn't tip me into a pit of anxiety.
I am quite lucky that the 'life' part of the balance formula doesn't involve a lot of social activities. I have had to cut back on that quite a lot. I used to be extremely social. Not in the context of lots of parties or big group things, I spent more time one on one with people. And I enjoyed it very much, but one on one with many people gets very time consuming and leaves you with little down time.
I look back on that time with a lot of fondness, I had a lot of fun, a lot of good quality conversations and learnt from wonderful people. But I couldn't keep it up, not after the depressive episode that came on last year. I had to start saying 'no' more and more. I know many of those people wanted to help, but the energy of getting to them to let them help was even too much. Eventually the requests become less and less frequent, till many of them stopped contacting me. I feel horrible that I wasn't able to maintain the friendships, I'm sure each of them like to believe that they are the one who I would hold on to even when I let everyone else go. And believe me when I say this, I wish they were. There is guilt that I will never be able to repay them their kindness, that they will never know that I know just how kind they were and that I took that kindness willingly, only to abandon them later. I am learning to accept this horribleness in me, but it still makes me cry. Maybe this is what remorse is.
Fortunately for me, I had a few people who clung to me and didn't let me slip away from them. That is not to say they are better friends, but they are clearly the kind of people that I need at this point. To be what a person needs by just being you is a rather extraordinary and rare occurrence. If you believe in divine intervention, to have someone like that cross your path at just the right junction is surely hard hitting proof.
But I'm not sure I believe in divine intervention, so instead, all I can call it is fortunate. Fortunate for me at least.
It has been slow. Nearly a year and a half and I have finally found a balance that is manageable for me. Not easy, but manageable. It involves less days work, boundaries for how much 'extra' I give to my work, less people, more quiet time and an exerted effort to notice that quiet time for what it is. It has also meant that I have become selfish and not the 'nice' person I always identified myself as. I love and loathe this concept in equal portions. I want to be perceived as nice, that is the right thing. But I have seen benefits to my selfishness- a prominent one is that I am more likely to answer phone calls.
I know that is odd, but just 2 months ago I would have anxiety the minute the phone rang and ignore it. I would then send a sheepish text later apologising, saying i'll call later etc etc. The truth was that I literally couldn't talk. The concept of suddenly having a conversation thrown on me was unbearable. And when I look back, this has been the case for the majority of my life.
And now... now I am happy to take a phone call and even chat. I can do this because my selfishness means I have no concerns for ending the call when I have had enough. My selfishness means my head is not full of conversations with countless people, so I have the energy to answer the phone. I am learning how to say no, and be honest about what I want and suddenly, I feel like I have more space in my mind to fit people. I don't seem to fear having to go into a conversation unprepared. It is very liberating to not be scared of the phone.
I enjoy this control of my mind, space and time much more than I ever enjoyed being nice.
I hope this lasts for a while.
Monday, 23 February 2015
Sunday, 15 February 2015
Thanks, Cadburys
I am aware that I am falling further behind in my plans for this month's article, so was very fortunate when my uni reading lent me some inspiration for direction. Back at uni means it is harder to just daydream my way through thought processes. I like to take my time and let things just arrive in my mind as they do. This is lovely for my id, but the need for social approval that I have means I feel I should speed up the process.
I have realised that I am often feeling pressure from the world around me. However, it is not like this is pressure that is decidedly placed on me. It is more of a subconscious sense of obligation. Yes, I have to go to that party. Yes, I have to fit those three events into one day. Yes, I have to do more at work than I am contracted to do.
And it isn't a matter of me not wanting to be involved with activities, events and people. It is more of a pressure that I feel that if I don't, I am not a good person, friend or employee. It might not sound so dire while you are reading it, in fact even I think I'm being a drama queen as I reread it, but stop a moment and think. How many times have you been laying on bed on a Saturday, aware that you have to get up to be at your friend's BBQ and thought 'I don't really want to go' (insert whiny voice). I mean, you know you will have fun when you get there and all, but you would rather have a day in bed and to get a few things done after a hectic work week. Then you realise that you need to put petrol in the car so you can get there, and stop at the supermarket to bring what you a bring when you're told not to bring a thing
Ack, even more effort. And with that in mind, it means that you are now running late and have to rush to go to an event where, if you could choose to do anything, you might have still gone to. But because you feel obliged, it is an effort.
What about work? You know you are there and paid from 9-5. But your boss usually stays late, so you hang back a little later and later each day. You have your role that you are employed to do, but there are those little add ons that seem to pop up that are hard to say no to (sure, you can be the unpaid volunteer WHS rep for office, no worries). It isn't that you can't say no- in fact, if they tried to fire you for not doing those extras they wouldn't have a leg to stand on. You might even find workplace health and safety utterly riveting. The niggling feeling in you is the one that says 'you have to say yes. It is the socially correct thing to do'.
This is where the concept of superego has lead me this week.
According to psychology.about.com, the superego is "the component of personality composed of our internalized ideals that we have acquired from our parents and from society". In other words, it is the things that makes sure we do not isolate ourselves from society and our networks by doing the crazy shit that our id and ego would much rather be doing. It is not something we are born with, it is something that is built through our social interactions from the moment we are born.
I am guessing this can then lead to psycho-social theories and all kinds of fun, but I'll get to that in another post.
My real interest in the superego for this month is just where is the line between what is my superego and what is 'me'. Also, are the things my superego holds onto helpful to my journey of self-actualisation or detrimental? No doubt it is both, but I would like to have some more specifics.
Back to it, will be posting again soon!
I have realised that I am often feeling pressure from the world around me. However, it is not like this is pressure that is decidedly placed on me. It is more of a subconscious sense of obligation. Yes, I have to go to that party. Yes, I have to fit those three events into one day. Yes, I have to do more at work than I am contracted to do.
And it isn't a matter of me not wanting to be involved with activities, events and people. It is more of a pressure that I feel that if I don't, I am not a good person, friend or employee. It might not sound so dire while you are reading it, in fact even I think I'm being a drama queen as I reread it, but stop a moment and think. How many times have you been laying on bed on a Saturday, aware that you have to get up to be at your friend's BBQ and thought 'I don't really want to go' (insert whiny voice). I mean, you know you will have fun when you get there and all, but you would rather have a day in bed and to get a few things done after a hectic work week. Then you realise that you need to put petrol in the car so you can get there, and stop at the supermarket to bring what you a bring when you're told not to bring a thing
 |
| Thanks for the additional social pressure, Cadbury (photo from www.colinskyba.com) |
What about work? You know you are there and paid from 9-5. But your boss usually stays late, so you hang back a little later and later each day. You have your role that you are employed to do, but there are those little add ons that seem to pop up that are hard to say no to (sure, you can be the unpaid volunteer WHS rep for office, no worries). It isn't that you can't say no- in fact, if they tried to fire you for not doing those extras they wouldn't have a leg to stand on. You might even find workplace health and safety utterly riveting. The niggling feeling in you is the one that says 'you have to say yes. It is the socially correct thing to do'.
This is where the concept of superego has lead me this week.
According to psychology.about.com, the superego is "the component of personality composed of our internalized ideals that we have acquired from our parents and from society". In other words, it is the things that makes sure we do not isolate ourselves from society and our networks by doing the crazy shit that our id and ego would much rather be doing. It is not something we are born with, it is something that is built through our social interactions from the moment we are born.
I am guessing this can then lead to psycho-social theories and all kinds of fun, but I'll get to that in another post.
My real interest in the superego for this month is just where is the line between what is my superego and what is 'me'. Also, are the things my superego holds onto helpful to my journey of self-actualisation or detrimental? No doubt it is both, but I would like to have some more specifics.
Back to it, will be posting again soon!
Monday, 9 February 2015
Hi, my name is....
I would like to introduce you to Karen, 2 years ago.
I was happily married and had been with my husband for 9 years. We had met in a quirky way, had a whirlwind romance and engagement, lived in England for two years and relocated to Australia. We had our ups and downs, but our relationship and connection was an envy for friends. He had stuck by me through very rough bouts of depression early on and I believed that everything would be fine, as long as I knew I could fall asleep in his arms each night. He stuck with me through all my whims and supported me in my pursuits. While we had struggled with debt from the folly of our youth, we had just worked our way out of the worst of it and he finally had a job that he loved. Our lives were finally coming together.
On the professional front, I had a stressful but fulfilling work life. I worked 6 days a week, up to 10 hours per day for a spiritual organisation. I truly believed with all my soul that this was my life's calling and I would be there till I died. I was managing and establishing new branches, handling administration, presenting seminars, co-ordinating large scale events, running training programs, giving one-to-one support and I was on call for anyone who needed it. I was traveling overseas regularly to support activities and met countless amazing and inspirational people. I had faith, and faith really can move mountains. I was a star in my organisation and known world-wide within it.
Wanting to contribute more to helping people, I started a uni degree, majoring in counselling. I took on a full time study load despite my full work commitment. I got distinctions across the board. Hate me if you want but I'm honest when I say that while it was stressful, I did not find it difficult.
And I had great friends. I was constantly seeing people and had a creative and exciting social life. They came to me for help and advise. I felt that I was able to offer something to everyone that I met.
Oh, and I surfed.
How amazing I was!
But you can't spread yourself that thin for that long. In October 2013 it all crumbled around me. The study and work load burnt me out. I began doubting the direction of the organisation I worked for and my concept of faith began to crack. The only thing holding it together was thin tape made of people's expectations of how I should act. To try and maintain control of my increasingly unsteady beliefs, I decided it was best to take some time out from that world. I found a new job and told everyone that I took it to help with my uni degree. The decreased work hours did me a world of good and uni distracted me from the fact that something that I built my life on had been cracking.
Then the real blow to my fashioned reality came when my husband ended our 11 year relationship. It was not without reason, but it was unexpected. My final refuge of the life I had once had planned was swallowed up. I fell into a desperate depression, dropped out of uni and moved back in with my parents. Everything I once thought of as 'Karen', was gone.
<insert montage here> Snap to 2015...
Hi, my name is...
With my past blown out of the water I had been given an amazing opportunity to start over. All I knew going into it is that I wanted to know 'me' and not cover myself in personas anymore. My depression and anxiety has given me a unique sounding board to feel my limitations and strengths (like the buzzers when you hit the edges in 'Operation'). So, here is where I'm at right now...
You might think that all these things are negative, that I'm not helping my depression by thinking or acting these ways. But I'm tired of just pretending things that aren't socially OK aren't there. There is nothing wrong with me being me and acknowledging who I am. I know my limits. When I have an anxiety attack I can now back track and identify the point where I pushed a limit too far. I can also rejoice when I push a limit and had positive results. I don't know ultimately what is right or wrong, but I am closer to knowing what is right or wrong for me. I am becoming stronger everyday with this knowledge.
This list will just keep growing. I am learning new things about myself everyday. The old me was built on a lifetime of expectations. I had set up various paths and was acting accordingly, and this act hid who I really was. People may not like some of me, how I act, how I treat them, or the opinions I have. But I don't need them to...or do I?
My superego is moulding me into shape, using the signals and messages from the world outside of me to form who I am and who I will become, but for whose sake? For mine or for their's? The old me was built on acting according to other people's expectations of who I was to them, but this left me vulnerable and weak once the outside factors were taken away. I'm looking forward to where my reading takes me this month, maybe I'll have a new me to introduce come March.
I was happily married and had been with my husband for 9 years. We had met in a quirky way, had a whirlwind romance and engagement, lived in England for two years and relocated to Australia. We had our ups and downs, but our relationship and connection was an envy for friends. He had stuck by me through very rough bouts of depression early on and I believed that everything would be fine, as long as I knew I could fall asleep in his arms each night. He stuck with me through all my whims and supported me in my pursuits. While we had struggled with debt from the folly of our youth, we had just worked our way out of the worst of it and he finally had a job that he loved. Our lives were finally coming together.
On the professional front, I had a stressful but fulfilling work life. I worked 6 days a week, up to 10 hours per day for a spiritual organisation. I truly believed with all my soul that this was my life's calling and I would be there till I died. I was managing and establishing new branches, handling administration, presenting seminars, co-ordinating large scale events, running training programs, giving one-to-one support and I was on call for anyone who needed it. I was traveling overseas regularly to support activities and met countless amazing and inspirational people. I had faith, and faith really can move mountains. I was a star in my organisation and known world-wide within it.
Wanting to contribute more to helping people, I started a uni degree, majoring in counselling. I took on a full time study load despite my full work commitment. I got distinctions across the board. Hate me if you want but I'm honest when I say that while it was stressful, I did not find it difficult.
And I had great friends. I was constantly seeing people and had a creative and exciting social life. They came to me for help and advise. I felt that I was able to offer something to everyone that I met.
Oh, and I surfed.
How amazing I was!
But you can't spread yourself that thin for that long. In October 2013 it all crumbled around me. The study and work load burnt me out. I began doubting the direction of the organisation I worked for and my concept of faith began to crack. The only thing holding it together was thin tape made of people's expectations of how I should act. To try and maintain control of my increasingly unsteady beliefs, I decided it was best to take some time out from that world. I found a new job and told everyone that I took it to help with my uni degree. The decreased work hours did me a world of good and uni distracted me from the fact that something that I built my life on had been cracking.
Then the real blow to my fashioned reality came when my husband ended our 11 year relationship. It was not without reason, but it was unexpected. My final refuge of the life I had once had planned was swallowed up. I fell into a desperate depression, dropped out of uni and moved back in with my parents. Everything I once thought of as 'Karen', was gone.
<insert montage here> Snap to 2015...
Hi, my name is...
 |
| Fatty Boom Boom, Die Antwoord. Google it if you are not easily offended and want to get the reference. |
With my past blown out of the water I had been given an amazing opportunity to start over. All I knew going into it is that I wanted to know 'me' and not cover myself in personas anymore. My depression and anxiety has given me a unique sounding board to feel my limitations and strengths (like the buzzers when you hit the edges in 'Operation'). So, here is where I'm at right now...
- I like to be alone at home drawing and writing. I enjoy being with people I know and I don't feel pressure to perform for. I like to spend short amounts of quality time rather than long periods of just being around someone. To be honest, I generally don't like being around people I don't know or in crowds, I find it overwhelming.
- When I have time and am having a good day emotionally, I'll do what is in my capability to be there for the people I care about. I like to help and feel like I am contributing to people's lives, but I can't compromise myself or I'll be taking 3 steps back. I'm learning to be selfish because I can't help anyone if I'm a mess, especially myself.
- I have yet to figure out what I offer to anyone, but I don't want to try to be of value. I would rather offer nothing and be honest with myself than try to be perceived as something for the sake of approval.
- I can come across as aloof, cold or just a plain bitch. In my mind I am actually being very considerate. I don't want to burden people with my problems, take your time with stories you don't care about or force you to spend time with me when you are just being polite.
- I am excited by the prospect that people would consider me to be aloof, cold or bitchy. I never thought I would be described as any of those things in my previous life.
- I believe that people work too much and we are not biologically made to exert ourselves the way we do. I believe that is why so many people need medication now, to make our bodies do things outside of their natural scope.
- I can't cope with more than 4 days work a week and the idea of studying again is terrifying me.
- I don't want someone to be in love with me, but I do want to know someone cares. I like the idea of falling in love, but I don't think I will ever be able to feel that again. Knowing that scares me, but also fills me with a deep sense of relief.
You might think that all these things are negative, that I'm not helping my depression by thinking or acting these ways. But I'm tired of just pretending things that aren't socially OK aren't there. There is nothing wrong with me being me and acknowledging who I am. I know my limits. When I have an anxiety attack I can now back track and identify the point where I pushed a limit too far. I can also rejoice when I push a limit and had positive results. I don't know ultimately what is right or wrong, but I am closer to knowing what is right or wrong for me. I am becoming stronger everyday with this knowledge.
This list will just keep growing. I am learning new things about myself everyday. The old me was built on a lifetime of expectations. I had set up various paths and was acting accordingly, and this act hid who I really was. People may not like some of me, how I act, how I treat them, or the opinions I have. But I don't need them to...or do I?
My superego is moulding me into shape, using the signals and messages from the world outside of me to form who I am and who I will become, but for whose sake? For mine or for their's? The old me was built on acting according to other people's expectations of who I was to them, but this left me vulnerable and weak once the outside factors were taken away. I'm looking forward to where my reading takes me this month, maybe I'll have a new me to introduce come March.
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