I completed my first module of DBT,
distress tolerance, two weeks ago. In true blogger form I had an idea in my
mind that I would be writing a quirky, slightly angsty, uplifting post with
just the right amount of buzzfeed quip to share my journey thus far. That is
how all my posts sound in my head before I write them. But no matter how much I
thought of it, I couldn’t bring myself to sit and write it. It would have been
a lie and the predictability of it bored me. Instead, I am writing about where
I am now, after three months in DBT.
As with the start of all endeavours, when I
began DBT I imagined my future self in three months time to be vulnerable yet
making steady progress in building some good quality coping skills. Now that I
am here, it feels less like healthy progress and more like the walls of reality
are pushing themselves in around me. You see, when I first had the BPD
diagnosis, I wasn’t shocked or surprised, but I think I was nicely buffeted by
my super-ego, plus it was something of a novelty to have a diagnosis that
wasn’t depression. As the DBT program goes on and I gain more insight into
myself and what BPD is, the layers of what forms my surface actions are making themselves known.
For example, I felt OK with my diagnosis because it was novel, but not horrible, because I was not as bad off as some others, but why do I think that:
Layer 1: I have this diagnosis, but I’m not as bad off as other people.
Layer 2: Being not as bad as others means that I don’t need as much help as them.
Layer 3: That means my need comes secondary to others
Layer 4: I’m not worthy of the help, I shouldn’t take the time that other people need.
Layer 5: I am unhelpable, I should be left by the wayside so people who are helpable get the time they need.Layer 6: No one can help me but myself
Layer 7: I can’t help myself, this is too much for me.
Layer 6 is unrealistic and based on a poor
sense of self brought on by early childhood experiences yada yada yada, how it happened isn’t the point. It is a core idea that goes through a process of
being justified so that my surface self can use it logically. Those core
beliefs can be good or bad, realistic or unrealistic, I doubt the psyche really discriminates when the
correct formula is in place. I have spent my life thinking that the first layer
of thought was the core, but now it turns out some of these ideas run much,
much deeper and impact more than I imagined. I think most people live like this,
but from what I understand of BDP, the core beliefs are maladaptive, and
if mine are maladaptive at the core it is going to take more than some positive thoughts to
change them.
What makes it harder is that I have grown
up believing these thoughts and their respective feelings were correct. To be
shown that there are other ways of thinking, feeling and acting, ways that are
‘healthy’ and which most people do- well, it is almost like being told that my
parents aren’t my real parents. Nothing about the here and now changes, the
world keeps on spinning and I am who I am, but everything I thought of as me is
fundamentally different and I can’t understand why.
Now, I keep finding myself at standstills.
Am I making a decisive action, or is this black and white thinking? Is this
moment really a bad one, or am I lost in emotion? Does that person really think
that about me, or am I projecting? I end up not acting because I am confused
about whether it is the right thing to do or if I am being overtaken by
irrational thoughts. So I just stand there, dumbfounded and feeling like like I
am in purgatory.
When I look back, I have often stood in
that fear of movement, but I’m still here and still a long way from where I
once was. Time drags me forward regardless. It’s the idea that I have been
incapable of actively choosing where it has dragged me to that hurts the most.
Is that the next step, to act with agency?
As you finish reading, be sure to reassure
me like I am helpless while also praising my superior wisdom. I want you to do
neither and I want you to do both. Which turns out, is a BPD trait, at least I
know I am normal as far as that goes.
