Trigger warning if you experience depressive episodes- I explain some of my experience further down.
This month's topic of guilt is a rather big one for me. It is a lifelong issue that I still struggle to find the starting point of. Im not talking about feeling a little bad about actions that should be assessed to support our growth as a human. I'm talking about a 'laying awake at night for weeks on end because I said I couldn't go to an event due to prior arrangements' sort of guilt.
Almost as soon as I had decided on the topic, I came across this article listing things that you do not owe anyone. A wonderful read, but gut wrenching because I know that if I did any of those things, I would have to manage the resulting guilt for days. Nonetheless, the majority of the things listed are now on my list of aspirations for the year.
But one prominent example for me came as a realisation about my experience with depression (this is getting a lot of air time at the moment because I'm working through a down phase at the moment. Sorry not sorry). This struck me when I had to leave work early one day this week. I have called into work sick with 'headaches' fairly often in the last 18 months. By headaches, I mean I had a depressive episode the night before (why always at night?) and was too tired to function, let alone work.
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| Starry Night seemed appropriate for too many reasons to list |
It is important here, for the purpose of this post, that I do not down play what I mean by a depressive episode. I live with depression and for most part I am doing well. I am learning a lot about me, my needs, my strengths, my limitations and the fact that I have to do things differently from the norm to support my mental health. It can be very hard, but I have good supports and am learning.
Depressive episodes, however, are different from my daily experience (self named- I don't know the technical term). Much of what I do in my daily life is to try to hold them at bay or lessen their severity. They can take me up to 2 weeks to recover from. They usually involve fits of uncontrollable sobbing (that I try desperately to muffle so not to disturb anyone), the kind where I can't get my body to fit in a small enough ball, hair pulling, head banging and self-harm till I basically pass out from exhaustion. I write 'pass out' because sleep is not an option. This can last for hours. These physical descriptions are minuscule compared to the thoughts which are flying around my mind. So full of self loathing, so factual about how horrible I am, how desolate my future is, and completely uncontrollable. I couldn't stop them if I tried, it is as if someone is standing next to me screaming all the things that are wrong with me and all my worst fears so loudly, I can't even dull the sound by blocking my ears with earmuffs encased with pillows. If it were another person, I would do all I could to shut them up- rip their jaw off, pull out their tongue, stab them through the throat.
But I can't. I can't do those things because that person is me. And I consider myself one of the lucky ones, because even though the thought has been toyed with, there is something in me, something which hasn't snapped and has held on. I don't know what it is, but if I knew, I would package it up and hand it out to all those people who need it, free of charge, far and wide. I would even pay them to take it if I knew what it was. I know I'm lucky.
So when I left work one day this week, after only being there an hour, because I 'felt nauseous' (this excuse ran concurrent with a genuine cold I had over the weekend), I knew I should not feel guilty about it. Once I realised what was going on and how poorly I was functioning, I was surprised to find that I was even at work. I knew what had happened the night before, but I barely remembered waking up or even driving.
But I did feel guilty. The RAM in the back of my head was telling me 'I'm not sick, there is no reason I shouldn't be at work' 'I did this to myself, a day off is just me being lazy and not taking responsibility'.
How wrong those thoughts are. Sick means to not be in good health, which I was not. As I outlined above, I did not choose to have the night I did. I have diagnosed depression, this is something that can happen. Yes, there were things that lead to it, but I am still learning how the management of it works for me. I didn't lay there and think 'gee, Karen, you know what would be super awesome right now???...'.
So why do I still have to lie when I take sick days for this reason? Why can't I call in and say 'Sorry, not coming in, mental health day'? Why do I feel I need to hide it and hold onto this guilt? There is greater understanding of mental health now, so many campaigns, so much awareness and, gee willikers, depression is not uncommon. The stigma is both coming from me and from society. I have two theories at this point of my journey (other than the normal people pleasing, insecurity, pride etc etc).
Firstly, I think perception of mental illness is not true to the reality of living with it.
There is still the perception that it is all in the mind and you can just change a few things and 'poof'! All better! "I spent the day talking to you and telling you all the nice things and we did the fun things, so you must be happy now!" Yes, I may be happy at this moment, I may not be sad at this moment, but it does not mean I no longer have depression. There is long term management needed, not quick fixes.
In my searching, I found an interesting write up about the use of everyday language and it's impact on the stigma of mental illness. We often hear people casually throw around off handed comments 'I missed the sales! I'm so depressed' 'Happy one minute, angry the next, she is so bipolar!' 'I like my pens to match, how OCD am I?'. All very casual phrases and not intended to downplay any conditions. However, phrases like these can be damaging to the silent discourse that is happening around mental health. They set unspoken perceptions at a different standard than what is actually happening for the people who suffer them. If I were to call work and say 'I'm depressed' it is likely to be underestimated what this means for me. People's view is that I'm a bit bummed right now, not the image I painted above. Even I feel like a dick when I say to people 'I'm depressed'- I feel like I need to add more serious language to convey what that actually means, because being depressed just isn't that big of a deal in terms of language.
For me, in this scenario, this perception (both my own and society's) creates an undercurrent of thought that taking time off due to a depressive episode is decadent- to get over a down you need to do fun things. You can do fun in your own time, not on company time.
Second, I think there may be concerns that if we start allowing people to take days to recover from mental health issues, they will take advantage of it.
The difference between being sad and having depression is very hazy in the corporate eye. What if you call in and say 'mental health day' and what you really mean is 'I need a catch up on Game of Thrones day'? The broadness in how mental illness presents makes it difficult to box symptoms neatly for the sake of bureaucracy. Companies can't dispute employees claims and this is just horrible for them because 'mental health leave' could potentially cost them big money.
But come on- It isn't like we aren't already taking advantage of the common cold. If people misrepresenting their situation to take time off is a genuine concern, companies should be taking more time to consider why people do it. I've no doubt that there is ample research to show that staff who feel they are well supported by their companies take less sick leave. If people taking advantage of 'mental health leave' is a problem, then it is due to the work culture we are sustaining, not the individuals themselves.
So why do I feel guilty?
Clearly there are many factors involved here, and my guilt around my mental health is not limited to just my work. Nor is my guilt limited to my mental health. I told you it was a big topic... and clearly I needed to get some stuff out in the air here.
