Hi, my name is....

I would like to introduce you to Karen, 2 years ago.

I was happily married and had been with my husband for 9 years. We had met in a quirky way, had a whirlwind romance and engagement, lived in England for two years and relocated to Australia. We had our ups and downs, but our relationship and connection was an envy for friends. He had stuck by me through very rough bouts of depression early on and I believed that everything would be fine, as long as I knew I could fall asleep in his arms each night. He stuck with me through all my whims and supported me in my pursuits. While we had struggled with debt from the folly of our youth, we had just worked our way out of the worst of it and he finally had a job that he loved. Our lives were finally coming together.

On the professional front, I had a stressful but fulfilling work life. I worked 6 days a week, up to 10 hours per day for a spiritual organisation. I truly believed with all my soul that this was my life's calling and I would be there till I died. I was managing and establishing new branches, handling administration, presenting seminars, co-ordinating large scale events, running training programs, giving one-to-one support and I was on call for anyone who needed it. I was traveling overseas regularly to support activities and met countless amazing and inspirational people. I had faith, and faith really can move mountains. I was a star in my organisation and known world-wide within it.

Wanting to contribute more to helping people, I started a uni degree, majoring in counselling. I took on a full time study load despite my full work commitment. I got distinctions across the board. Hate me if you want but I'm honest when I say that while it was stressful, I did not find it difficult.

And I had great friends. I was constantly seeing people and had a creative and exciting social life. They came to me for help and advise. I felt that I was able to offer something to everyone that I met.

Oh, and I surfed.

How amazing I was!

But you can't spread yourself that thin for that long. In October 2013 it all crumbled around me. The study and work load burnt me out. I began doubting the direction of the organisation I worked for and my concept of faith began to crack. The only thing holding it together was thin tape made of people's expectations of how I should act. To try and maintain control of my increasingly unsteady beliefs, I decided it was best to take some time out from that world. I found a new job and told everyone that I took it to help with my uni degree. The decreased work hours did me a world of good and uni distracted me from the fact that something that I built my life on had been cracking.

Then the real blow to my fashioned reality came when my husband ended our 11 year relationship. It was not without reason, but it was unexpected. My final refuge of the life I had once had planned was swallowed up. I fell into a desperate depression, dropped out of uni and moved back in with my parents. Everything I once thought of as 'Karen', was gone.

<insert montage here> Snap to 2015...



Hi, my name is...

Fatty Boom Boom, Die Antwoord.
Google it if you are not easily offended and want to get the reference.

With my past blown out of the water I had been given an amazing opportunity to start over. All I knew going into it is that I wanted to know 'me' and not cover myself in personas anymore. My depression and anxiety has given me a unique sounding board to feel my limitations and strengths (like the buzzers when you hit the edges in 'Operation'). So, here is where I'm at right now...

• I like to be alone at home drawing and writing. I enjoy being with people I know and I don't feel pressure to perform for. I like to spend short amounts of quality time rather than long periods of just being around someone. To be honest, I generally don't like being around people I don't know or in crowds, I find it overwhelming.

• When I have time and am having a good day emotionally, I'll do what is in my capability to be there for the people I care about. I like to help and feel like I am contributing to people's lives, but I can't compromise myself or I'll be taking 3 steps back. I'm learning to be selfish because I can't help anyone if I'm a mess, especially myself.

• I have yet to figure out what I offer to anyone, but I don't want to try to be of value. I would rather offer nothing and be honest with myself than try to be perceived as something for the sake of approval.

• I can come across as aloof, cold or just a plain bitch. In my mind I am actually being very considerate. I don't want to burden people with my problems, take your time with stories you don't care about or force you to spend time with me when you are just being polite. 

• I am excited by the prospect that people would consider me to be aloof, cold or bitchy. I never thought I would be described as any of those things in my previous life. 

• I believe that people work too much and we are not biologically made to exert ourselves the way we do. I believe that is why so many people need medication now, to make our bodies do things outside of their natural scope.

• I can't cope with more than 4 days work a week and the idea of studying again is terrifying me. 

• I don't want someone to be in love with me, but I do want to know someone cares. I like the idea of falling in love, but I don't think I will ever be able to feel that again. Knowing that scares me, but also fills me with a deep sense of relief.

You might think that all these things are negative, that I'm not helping my depression by thinking or acting these ways. But I'm tired of just pretending things that aren't socially OK aren't there. There is nothing wrong with me being me and acknowledging who I am. I know my limits. When I have an anxiety attack I can now back track and identify the point where I pushed a limit too far. I can also rejoice when I push a limit and had positive results. I don't know ultimately what is right or wrong, but I am closer to knowing what is right or wrong for me. I am becoming stronger everyday with this knowledge.

This list will just keep growing. I am learning new things about myself everyday. The old me was built on a lifetime of expectations. I had set up various paths and was acting accordingly, and this act hid who I really was. People may not like some of me, how I act, how I treat them, or the opinions I have. But I don't need them to...or do I?

My superego is moulding me into shape, using the signals and messages from the world outside of me to form who I am and who I will become, but for whose sake? For mine or for their's? The old me was built on acting according to other people's expectations of who I was to them, but this left me vulnerable and weak once the outside factors were taken away. I'm looking forward to where my reading takes me this month, maybe I'll have a new me to introduce come March.