Tell me I'm beautiful

My pursuit into why we seek validation has found it's way into the realm of the ego. Lets be honest, every man and his dog knows something about ego and the word is used in many ways (mostly negative).

I study psychology, so I naturally have a view on ego and how it fits into constructing the individual. I also spent many years immersed in a religious organisation built on Buddhism, so I naturally have other views about the ego and how it restrains us from knowing our true self. When I consider these two views about the same topic, I can't help but be confused since they seem to sit completely opposite each other. However, as Freud said "contrary impulses can exist side by side, without cancelling each other out". So I have to explore each view within me separately. That will have to be for another day.

More to the point though, can you see how my view on ego was presented based on my involvement on two outside groupings? They were not my idea, but the ideas that someone involved in certain circles would be expected to think. This is the point of this post.

I went down the academic path first <cough> refreshed my mind on wikipedia <cough cough> and was struck first by the idea of the id. The instinctive drive in people. We often give the ego a bad wrap for all it's desires, but its function is to protect the id and give it what it desires. The ego is really just a pawn in the id's master plan for dominance and survival. So I thought, in this case, I can pinpoint what it is I am instinctively desiring by following my ego's games and tricks. We all have those subtle behaviours that we tweak to get us what we really want, even when we don't realise what that thing is.

I hope this isn't getting confusing, so I'll bring it back to the point of validation. If I can follow the patterns of situations under which my ego seeks validation, I will be able to see the desire my id is instinctively craving and sending the ego out to obtain.

And what I found was that I crave significance. I desire to be something that is more than just everyone else. A reason as to why it is important that I survive. I look around, look at the world, look at the universe and I see the starkness of my insignificance. Depending on my mood, this thought can be amazingly beautiful. But for my id, this concept is horrifying- if I am insignificant, than what is the point of my survival? This needs to be fixed.

Quick haste, my id whips the ego into action 'Go! Find me my purpose! Find me the proof that I am worth my own survival!'.

And ego, fulfilling its mission, brings back wonderful examples. You made this person happy, you are so talented at your work, you look so young for your age, you are more attractive than other people, your drawing has so much potential.... if you did not survive, then the world would be missing out...

All these may be true. But they are fickle. There will always be someone else who can make more people happier. There will be people who are better at my job. There are younger people. There are more attractive people. There are people who are better at drawing. And this means that perhaps the world would not be missing out.

But in rushes ego!! No, no, no. There is proof! People tell me I make them happy, I'm talented, I'm beautiful, validate what I want to be true!!

That is why I seek validation. To cover up an innate fear within me that I am actually nothing. A fear that sits in my chest and squirms as I write those lines. We all know that feeling. If you think you don't, let Louis C.K explain it in a funny way so you will get it (if you haven't seen this, I'm surprised). Next, to consider a much more healthy alternative to my reliance on a transient world for my significance.