January topic...Validation

Hello world, and welcome to Whipit. Yet another blog I have decided to start up. And just like all my blogs before it, it may result in nothing.

As I am working mostly on setting up the site this month, my topic of validation is chosen to figure out why I am so determined to have a blog in the first place. So lets be straight up honest here, I want people to read my opinions. I, for some reason, feel that my opinions and ideas are something worth putting on the internet for all to see.

At times where I have tried to do this in the past I have experienced normal internet interaction- people who just want to tell you that you are wrong. Even though there were more nice comments and responses, my mind puts them to the side while blowing up any little negative comment 20 fold. But why did this negativity get to me so much? Because the act of putting my thoughts on the internet was one of seeking approval and validation for my newly formed opinions. Since we as a western society are generally of the thought that 'we are what we think' and 'I think therefore I am', my thoughts and opinions were naturally inseparable from me. This means I was looking to have myself be recognised and (lets face it) praised. My misconceptions meant that any negativity was a personal attack. All blogs and evidence of their existence were quickly removed as they were proof that I was a horrible person.

Yet, I persist to want to be validated by the faceless masses, and here I am again. Putting on my act (we are all actors after all) to try to get a feel for which parts of me will be most appealing so I can become the most likeable person I can be. This is not just an act for the internet, it is across all my life.

On Friday I decided to go to the beach, contacted a friend to see if she wanted to meet up, and off I went. This particular friend lives life filled with experiences and puts a lot of dedication into everything she tries her hand at. She is persistent and steady in her endeavours so, as a result, lives a very active life. I, on the other hand, try lots of things but drop them just as quickly. I hope you can tell from this that I admire her greatly and desire to have traits more like hers.

She suggested we go snorkelling, which involved a bit of a swim. The problem with this was that my fitness is not at a great point, the water was choppy and I did not feel comfortable or safe with the idea. But I persisted in the 'yeah, lets go' 'awesome' talk, all the while dreading it. I even got in the water with my snorkel and flippers having mild anxiety attacks.

But why? It was because I wanted to be perceived a certain way, to keep up with her, to be validated as part of her world. I knew my body and mental state were in no way ready to do what she could do especially since she has spent a long time working towards confidence and ability to do that swim. And I was so arrogant as to act the part despite having spent the best part of the last 3 months either asleep, eating chocolate or justifying why I don't need to go to the gym. All so I could act out something I would like to be and have it acknowledged, that way I could say that this is who I am, even though I am not.

With all this flying through my mind, I decided that I should admit defeat. She and another friend did the swim, I played in the water and sat on the beach, content in knowing that this was what I actually wanted to do. This was what I planned on doing when I decided to go to the beach. I didn't want to go out there and push myself beyond my ability, I wanted to enjoy the beach. But for the sake of validation of a false self, I was willing to do something I didn't want to.

I want to be able to do that swim, but I also want to work my way up to that point of ability and earn the right to that experience.

Oh, the things I do to pretend to be someone I am not!