Shit...I forgot my line

As the month goes on and I have time to realise the mess I have gotten myself into, my need for validation seems more and more appropriate.

I have gone ahead and published my site and blog, even though I do not like the layout, the branding is extremely inconsistent and everything is still glitching (freaking social media, why can't we all just get along!). I'm not even 100% convinced on what it is I am trying to accomplish. Doing lots of no no's for any public endeavour.

But the fact I have published it all means I am clearly not the perfectionist my anxiety about this situation wants me to come across as. I would like to present to you all some amazing finished project that just rocked your socks off. Why? So I could maintain an outward image of someone who is collected, capable and just a straight up unicorn supergirl (logo idea?? thoughts?).

I am far from any of these things. I have had the experience a few times when my actual self has pushed aside my acted persona and caused problems in friendships. People place you in a certain role in their life and when you do not live up to it, they believe you are a fraud. Little do they know that you were playing them all along and you did such a damn fine job of it that they seriously think you are as perfect as you acted.

Wait- before you praise me for my genius, you should note that I am not the first great mind to contemplate this. Dramaturgy (click here for wikipedia to tell you what I can't be bothered to) implies that we are all actors. The only thing that is real about us is the fact we are all responding to our interaction with the world. I see this in me consistently, and the more time I spend in solitude and reflection, the more I see the real me behind it all.

And this awareness is causing the fourth wall to crack. So I am looking desperately to my fellow actors to remind me of my line and who I am meant to be in order for my world to be held together. That is part of the reason I seek validation. I spent many years creating a version of what I thought I should be. Now I realise that it was a lie, a realisation that is sometimes not far removed from grieving and I am looking for anything to distract me from the changes in my life.

Even when it came time to share this page, I couldn't bring myself to reach out to any more than 10 people. They were the only ones I felt comfortable enough to either not rock my foundations too much, or to be aware that I needed something sugar coated. Everyone else I thought of sharing it with were people I still need to validate my old life because there are elements I'm not quite ready to let go of.