It has been four weeks since I went back to work. This week marks the fifth, and I am awake far too early because I have Monday morning anxiety. I have to be fair on myself though, I didn't just go back to work four weeks ago, I also started group therapy and DBT, began art classes and threw myself in the deep end with a full schedule after three months of down time.
November was a big month. I have both achieved and struggled, so instead of researching and finding facts, I want to give an account of returning to life after a mental breakdown.
The three months I had off were not a lovely holiday break. I spent much of the time hoveled up in my room crying, staring at nothing, and trying to make sense of myself. I toyed with the point of going on and let myself act on urges. I saw very few people and canceled most of the social plans that I did make. I yelled and screamed at my parents over things unrelated to them and then sobbed in their arms from the confusion of why I just did that. I watched all of Parks and Rec over again in the space of two weeks. I also saw therapists- Doctors, Psychologists and Psychiatrists. I broke down in their offices repeatedly. I resisted their advise, I fought to be in control of my situation. I talked to friends, I cried in their arms, I slept in their beds. I went home and did it all again.
Gradually, the fog started to lift. I started waking up a bit earlier each day and felt rested. I picked up pencils and started drawing. I began talking to my parents about how that darkness had felt, and conversations with therapists moved from surviving to problem solving. I went outside, went on walks, enjoyed time outside of my room. I used my time to go to the gym and start some new healthy habits. I followed through on plans with friends, stopped beating myself up when I needed to cancel, and even initiated some social activities. I talked to friends, enjoyed their company and explored my inner world with them.
Assessments, discussions, plans. Acceptance to the DBT program, starting art class. Accepting myself and my needs through therapy. I built a routine for my days that moved around self care and my goals. I felt like I had a life to live. Then it seemed that I needed something more structured and the idea of returning to work was a possibility. I wanted to earn my own money and take steps towards ownership of my life again. I had discussions with therapists and work and negotiated a return to work plan. Returning two days a week for three weeks, then bump it up to three days. Only three days work for the foreseeable future, work load on my terms, with DBT one day a week. This was a very good plan in my mind, and a better one than I had hoped for. I was ready.
First day back and I was shaking as I walked in the door. All the interactions I had with people were calm, but I was on edge and very anxious. The day was hectic due to staffing and more than once I wanted to run out and admit I had pushed myself back too soon. Day two wasn't much better as circumstances triggered feelings of 'not being good enough' and comparison with others. The next day I had my first group therapy session, I was a heightened mess and could barely talk. The week finished with my new art class where I struggled to grasp concepts due to high anxiety from the week. I walked away feeling worthless and untalented.
The whole week was an unexpected slap in the face. I had felt so ready, I had done so much work and really took time to plan and make my return to life go well. It was like I had been in a lovely dream world of support, worth, confidence and fluffy cushions, then suddenly woke up in a grey concrete world of cold, hard reality. It wasn't that work had even pushed me too hard, they were very gentle and checked in with me often. I was all me, and I considered myself a fool to ever believe I could go back. Thoughts of worthlessness and inability to ever have autonomy took over and I felt myself slipping into familiar worlds that I had been in thee months earlier. However, I took stock over the weekend, utilised therapy, took it easy and tried to accept that my feelings were reasonable and would pass.
Week two began with little sleep and anxiety which caused muscle cramps and nausea. Work wise, it was calmer and more productive than the first week, I felt that I had contributed and did well. But the anxiety was too much and I hit a breaking point. I had cried all night before the first day and had not slept. I told my parents I was fine and put on a strong act, but once I was alone thoughts of self-harm were vivid and persistent. Proudly, I can say I did not follow through, mostly because I didn't want to jeopardise my place in the DBT program.
Then the breakthrough came. The night after the first day of week two my negative thinking was increasing and I could feel myself loosing grip. I lay in my dark room sobbing and tempting those thoughts to overtake me, and then I had a thought- I didn't want to be alone through this, and I shouldn't be. I got up and went out to be with my parents. When they saw my distress, they did all the right things. I cried and sobbed and lost all sense of reality, but I had them there to take care of the reality for me so I could have the feelings I needed too. I was able to have all the feelings I needed to have in a safe space, which meant I could explore them in their entirety. After hours of sobbing and gibberish on their shoulders, I made it through the emotions. I was exhausted, they were exhausted, but I made it through.
I woke up the next day tired and puffy. I went to work, I had to give it another try. I made it through the day and felt calm afterwards, then spent the next few days sleeping and recovering. I debriefed in my group therapy and with my psychologist. While the experience of returning to work had been a shock, it was also what I wanted. I needed to work through why I reacted the way I did rather than rule out my capability to work. Week three went better, week four was almost easy. Coming into week five and I feel the stability of routine building so I have a space where I can deal with the emotions and still perform my job.
For anyone returning to work after a breakdown, my message would be this- It will not be easy, but that is not your fault. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself time and let yourself draw on your support networks till you settle in. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, your wellbeing is more important than a job. But if working is what you want to do, then keep your mind on your goal and use the skills you have learnt in your time off. You are capable.
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