Ask RUOK? again and again and again

What began as a post to ease myself into some vulnerability about expressing opinions turned into an epic rant (don't worry, below is the edited version, chapter 1). Turns out I have some strong opinions surrounding social structures...that ultimately leads to an opinion of 'but it is what it is'. I wish there was succinct way to express why that opinion is not passive, but as my writing skills are still developing I think it will be have to explained gradually over many posts.

To the point- Today is RUOK day, so it seemed appropriate to begin posts discussing my own mental health. I'm not going to talk too much about my history (you can read a little teeny bit about it here), instead I'm going to talk about where I am with it now.

I am coming to this post following a long period of frustration about how my mental health has been handled. Although not ideal, I also think that I would not be at a point of taking my mental wellbeing into my own hands if it had not been for the spectrum of experiences I have had to date. Like many, I have been in and out of therapy for years. Usually I would land in therapy during crisis, I would stay there until I was functioning again, then I wouldn't know what to do with my therapist after that point so I would leave. This occurred either within the ten free sessions offered under the medicare system, or just after, when the outcome was not justifying the out of pocket expense. Also, like many, I was offered medication during these times and reminded to 'do things I enjoy' and 'get some exercise'. I have no criticism of this process, these are a combination of methods that have been proven effective in supporting people through depression. There were times in my life when this process pushed me through.

However, this has been a cycle where I was being treated for a symptom, not the cause. It has taken repeated trips to many professionals over many years for someone to pull all the pieces together. Now I am starting a process to work on the core issues.

Part of my healing means to let myself express my feelings, and I can't help but feel let down. There are reasons why it has played out this way and logically I know I am very lucky to live in the country I do and have even received the treatment I have had, but I still feel that initial pain of being let down. After all these years of struggling, I have questions. Why was a personality disorder not identified before? Why was I not offered more extensive therapy, like DBT, prior to this? Why was medication always pushed but other techniques were not?

I (like everyone) try to console myself by thinking that I would not have been ready for a program like DBT any earlier, that this timing is right and for it to happen any earlier would have proven ineffective. I can't really know that though, I may have responded well to it ten years ago and could have lead a very different life as a result (oh, but then I wouldn't have met such and such or experienced that thing that made me happy that one time... I love watching my mind try to make me feel better ^_^).

The truth is I am here now, I have this opportunity now, and I want to make the most of it now while I can. I am fortunate (while seething with white middle class guilt) that I have parents who can support me temporarily while things are set in motion. I am fortunate that I have people who have come into my life that are capable of understanding. I have a job where management not only identified that I was struggling, but also have given me the time that I need to get things back on track- for this I am fortunate, but I will take credit in knowing that I work hard, am good at my job and have made myself an asset who deserves to be well cared for by my workplace. I would be a fool to not harness all the aces in my hand during this dark time, but I didn't figure that out until recently.

It has been a lifetime in the making, but I am in a place to get the help I have needed for years because people took the time to ask. They didn't just as once on one day, they asked repeatedly because they saw something was off despite the fact that I kept saying 'I'm fine'. Let today be the first time you ask, but also make it a reminder to keep asking. It can take a lot more than one question to open a door that has been sealed shut.

To all those who asked, even if I lied in response, thank you. Because of you, I am still here.

As I said earlier, my original rant was very insightful (for me) regarding some of my opinions about use of medication in treatment of depression, systems surrounding mental healthcare, socio-economic structures and a few other bits (loooooonnnngggg rant). I have saved the draft and will work through editing and sharing those ideas over the next couple of weeks, there is no way I would bombard you with all that in one post. I have some interesting writing to look forward to.